


lucidity (come back to me)

by bonsvii



Series: self comfort [3]
Category: The Boyz (Korea Band)
Genre: Bathing/Washing, Comfort, Dissociation, Fluff, M/M, Reading Aloud, depersonalisation, derealisation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-17
Updated: 2020-07-17
Packaged: 2021-03-04 23:14:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 949
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25340722
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bonsvii/pseuds/bonsvii
Summary: Eric struggles to feel real.
Relationships: Lee Juyeon/Son Youngjae | Eric
Series: self comfort [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1880740
Comments: 13
Kudos: 107
Collections: Dissociations





	lucidity (come back to me)

**Author's Note:**

> based on personal experience,, i tried to illustrate the feeling of dp/dr as well as possible but it's super hard to even describe
> 
> short and sweet bc this was rushed but i hope it's okay !!
> 
> title is taken from lucidity by tame impala

The feeling creeps up on Eric slowly like water seeping through a small crack. It’s imperceptible at first, as it always is, and he dismisses it as fatigue; they’ve had a busy schedule recently and filming has been tough. But the minutes progress and light begins filtering through the gap in his curtains, splashing his honey face with rich September gold, and the feeling only grows, anxiety settling in the pit of his stomach as he realises what’s going on. Reality begins to feel dreamlike, distorted, like he’s floating through it with no control, an astronaut stranded in space without a line, spinning dangerously in the deafening silence of complete nothingness. He’s lost with no way back.

The feel of the bedsheets is foreign on his skin and he can sense every single point of contact the fabric makes with him. It’s uncomfortable and yet he can’t seem to make himself move, limbs somehow alien, as if they don’t belong to him at all. There’s a haunting disconnect between his mind and his body and he knows they should work in tandem but he can’t seem to force them to, movements feeling out of his control as if he’s a passenger in his own life, a secondary character watching from afar as the plot develops.

“You alright, baby?” Juyeon’s voice is far away and echoey. Eric manages a nod but it isn’t a conscious movement, body just drifting in the direction that it deems most appropriate. He hopes Juyeon will notice how lost he feels, how adrift he’s become. “Give me your hands, puppy.” And of course Juyeon notices, he always knows. Eric lifts his arms into the air, Juyeon latching onto them and pulling them into his lap. There’s a sort of heavy sensation at the contact like he’s being ever so slowly brought back down to Earth. Juyeon’s ringed fingers play with Eric’s own slender ones, the feel of the metal against his skin grounding. They sit like that for a while, Juyeon shifting beside him so that they’re sitting opposite one another, cross legged with their knees touching. “I want you to read aloud, baby. Is that okay? Do you think you can do that for me?”

“Yes, hyung. I can do it.” Eric is used to the routine by now but doesn’t think he’ll ever get over the strangeness of hearing his own voice reading words he barely registers. Juyeon lets go of his hands to retrieve their well-loved copy of  _ The Tears of an Unknown Artist, or Zaytun Pasta _ , flicking to one of the numerous pages marked as a favourite with a sticky note. He places the book in Eric’s hands, its weight a dichotomy between familiar and unfamiliar, safe and unsafe. Eric begins reading. “Didn’t he know what I just did to him? After he applied the band-aids, he sprayed my ankles with relief spray. Now my body and his hands smelled of the same medicinal scent. That was probably the only time in our lives that our bodies smelled the same.” 

His voice wavers a little, the sound of it unnatural. Juyeon nods encouragingly for him to continue, flipping the page to skip to another section. “Maybe it’s the caution with which it handles human emotion, how it dares not speak its name and yet tries to look as closely as possible? I’m moved by the sheer effort that went into all of its tiny, seemingly insignificant details. I think that such details ensure there’s no convergence into a single interpretation, giving the characters a rich life and texture. I’m on the side of doing the same thing myself.”

Eric isn’t sure how long he continues, time slipping through his fingers like sand as he reads, but the novella is short and he has enough of a grasp on things to know that it doesn’t take too long to get through the bookmarked parts. When he stops, Juyeon has a glass of water ready for him before he can even register that his mouth feels dry. Vaguely registering that he should be grateful, Eric says a quiet thank you, a small smile tugging at his boyfriend’s lips at the unprompted words. “Let’s have a shower, yeah?” It feels good to be given instructions.

Juyeon’s arms envelop Eric’s shoulders under the hot stream of water, holding him securely and providing a tether to reality, however weak that link may be in this moment. Whilst he’s grateful that the contact lifts the fog in his mind a little, the silence and lack of activity brings back the far-fetched thoughts that he’d woken up with, thoughts that terrify him. But, as always, Juyeon is there to help, sensing the distress in Eric’s body language as he clenches his jaw periodically. “Wash my hair for me? I want you to focus really hard, baby, make sure it’s clean.” Almost robotically, Eric’s hands reach out for the shampoo. He squeezes it into his palm and works it into Juyeon’s faded blue strands, the older boy sighing happily, leaning into the touch. “Good boy, you’re doing so well.”

By the time he’s finished conditioning, Eric is far more whole than he had been when he’d woken up, everything seeming more in focus. Juyeon praises him for completing the task well and Eric’s heart swells in his chest, finally feeling somewhat connected to his emotions again. “Thank you, hyung, really thank you.” 

Relief washes over Juyeon as he realises his boyfriend is coming back to him. “Don’t thank me, baby, you know I don’t mind giving you a helping hand when you need it.” Eric smiles contentedly, happy in the knowledge he’ll always have his hyung to depend on.

**Author's Note:**

> tysm for reading <3


End file.
